The Third Strike is the Deepest
I’ll admit that when I joined the D league softball team, I fantasized that some formerly hidden talent of mine would emerge and I’d be hastily promoted to the C league. Our coach would shake her head: “I wish we could have kept him, but I can’t in good conscience stunt his natural athleticism and skill. In all my years of coaching…” and so on and so forth.
After yesterday’s game let’s just say that I’m lucky there’s no F league. Now, we are talking D league gay softball. It’s not like the stakes are anything that should keep a grown man awake at night. But I don’t like to fail, particularly in public. Particularly in public on a team. With friends and fans and the Manly Fireplug watching from the bleachers. Since I’ve shown a pattern of batting much better at practice than at games, I know I’m dealing with my own brain’s treachery.
When facing a problem, my first instinct is to turn to pharmaceuticals research. So I spent the night licking my wounds, surfing the internet, reading up on sports anxiety, mental toughness, and getting in the zone. In the descriptions of the zone I could see parallels with writing, the only activity where, when the going is good, I lose track of time. Knowing that I’m capable of getting into any kind of zone, even one as physically undemanding as writing, helps me a little. As will a few trips to the batting cages.
It’s not like I’m dying to share this with everyone. I like to look good. At all things. But somewhere over the years I realized that there is value in sharing the darker recesses of the human heart, even the small, relatively petty corner known as Fear of Gay Softball. One of my literary heroes, David Foster Wallace (RIP) said that good writing makes the reader feel a little less alone. So all of my Bad News Bears friends, take heart, I give you my foibles.
I wanted to play gay volleyball here in Tucson, but when I watched them play I realized that I would never, ever be good enough.
March 29th, 2010 at 12:38 pmMike, in all you do you’ve never held anything in reserve, always left everything you had out there. I think it’s one of the qualities that makes us all love you so much. Good on ya for continuing to tread where you fear to tread. And go easy on the pharmaceuticals.
March 29th, 2010 at 1:20 pmThanks Steven, that was sweet of you. And don’t worry, it’s been over nine years since I actually followed that instinct for pharmaceuticals. For some crazy reason though, the instinct still pops up. Go figure.
March 29th, 2010 at 1:28 pmI completely relate to this post.
I’m a newcomer to the world of rugby. Now my team is hosting an international gay rugby tournament.
No one likes to fail in front of the whole damn world.
*insert angst here*
March 30th, 2010 at 3:57 pm