I’m slumping (my own creative spelling) through work again, following link to link, reading friends’ blogs on company time. Can I just say here that I need a change? I keep having Bruce Springsteen going through my head; “I check my look in the mirror. Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face…” (Dancing in the Dark, the song where Courtney Cox was supposedly a random fan at the foot of the stage, giggling over Bruce until he stuck out her hand and pulled her up. Though I never would have admitted it at the time (I was 13) I would have pushed Courtney out of the way and grabbed his hand myself.) But I do lately hate my clothes, my hair, my face, not necessarily in that order. I just feel so….er, normal-looking, conservative, something, I keep thinking about shaving my head again like I did in college, but I remain unconvinced that it looked that great on me.

To top it off, the latest antidepressant I’m on in my journey through the land of antidepressants, Remeron, seems to have made me put back on the five pounds I lost on Serzone. Although I like it on other guys, five extra pounds isn’t that flattering on me. Maybe instead of using the treadmill I’ll actually run after work. In the dark, around Dolores Park or something. To its’ credit, the last couple of days have been better than it was. I hate depression. It can be disheartening thinking that it may be part of my life forever, treated or not.

Last week I responded to a guy’s ad on gay.com (I won’t link it out of respect to his privacy). Nice butch-lookin hairy guy. He liked the pic I sent, and asked me this week to have coffee tomorrow, but I think I’m gonna postpone, feeling this way. I think the Remeron has chipped away a bit at my libido, too. Sometimes that can be pretty freeing, you know, not tied up so much to my sex drive, but when I get that way I can also see more clearly how it makes the rest of the world go round. Men. hrumph. But what gave me greater pause in responding right away to his email was that as I checked out HIS website (privacy, remember?) he mentioned that as part of his work in the sex education industry, his personal fetish favorites included blood-letting. (pause)

Ok, I consider myself pretty open-minded (dosen’t every comment like this start out the same way?) but if that is what gets him going, I imagine I’d have a hard time keeping him satisfied. Maybe it’s too soon to be doing all this. Maybe not. Besides, I’d much rather meet someone in person, it’s easier to judge potential chemistry that way rather than comparing pics online. Not that I’m getting very far with my real-time crush (there will definitely be no links to him yet).

I’m getting a little lightheaded here. Time to grab something to eat.