Born to Save the World
Recently I noticed an uptick in my visitor traffic, and since anyone can see that I am far from prolific or even consistent these days, I knew it had nothing to do with what I’ve actually written here. So I looked into my search results. Many people were stumbling across my blog by typing the words “dog poet” into Google.
A reader first clued me in to what was going on. He emailed me the following sentence:
“In the latest Half Past Human report (The Shape of Things to Come 2009/2010), a “dog poet” is said to become a hero to up to 1 billion people in the Winter of this year and Spring of next.”
I had no idea what this meant. Absolutely no clue. But since he included a link to Half Past Human, I clicked on it.
There are vast stretches of the internet that make absolutely no sense to me. Complete gibberish. Sites where the language is so obtuse, the layout so incoherent, the lack of context so startling, so unwelcoming, that even after a few minutes of intense focus, I still have no idea what I am looking at.
You are welcome to try to make sense of the site. And I wish you luck on that endeavor. But if you are short on time and patience, I will try to translate for you. From what I can tell, the Half Past Human Report, and a few other related websites, are places where people who believe in the power of the internet to predict the future gather to trade predictions and theories. Another site sums it up better than I could:
Originally designed to track stock market trends, the Web Bot uses a system of spiders that crawl the Internet looking for patterns of behavior, trends and chatter pertaining to coming events. This tool is believed to be able to forecast the future by tapping into the collective unconscious of society.
These sites claim that web bots predicted the anthrax attacks, the 2004 Tsunami, and 9/11. Maybe they did, but I just didn’t have the patience to scan through the web bot archives to see for myself, so I’m just going to take their word for it.
Naturally, the people who follow these web bot predictions attempted to figure out the identity of this “dog poet” Messiah. Since my blog is the first site to come up on Google when searching under those two words, many of the Half Past Humans have stumbled across ME!
They discussed this turn of events on password-protected forums, where someone posted a link to my blog:
“We are all doomed,” said one.
“I don’t think hundreds of people will go for the stuff this guy is peddling, let alone billions,” said another.
Now, the Manly Fireplug would be excited to see that people actually thought I was “peddling” stuff here, since he thinks I could stand to do a little more self-promotion. But I will say, for the record, that yes, missy, a few hundred people – maybe even a FEW THOUSAND – stop by here regularly for the stuff I peddle.
I have no idea what the future portends. And I have no idea if I will be doing anything noteworthy this winter, let alone next spring, or if a billion people will take notice. But I do hope to finish my book by then and yes: you are all doomed.
You really should do T-shirts.
Or, y’know, frilly unmentionables.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:34 pmSuggested slogans?
September 10th, 2009 at 7:40 pm“Big, Slobbery Love for the Shape of Things to Come”? (I suppose that’s more dog than poet, though.)
September 10th, 2009 at 8:04 pmThat’s good, but would it fit on frilly unmentionables?
September 10th, 2009 at 9:16 pmYou could be the Miss Cleo of the Internet:
“There are the Believers and the Non-Believers.
I do not CARE if you read my blog. I KNOW what
is going to happen to YOUUUUUUUUUUU.”
You may be the Messiah but you still have to
September 11th, 2009 at 8:24 amclean the bathroom and do laundry. Sorry.
I bet you think this blog is about you. Don’t you? Don’t you?
Oh wait. It is.
And I’d totally buy a t-shirt. Or an unmentionably frilly jockstrap.
September 11th, 2009 at 10:12 amI am a reader of the alta reports and can share with you all that’s going on….. you probably are not the reported Dog Poet from the spider software. If you want to talk about it, I’m at your service…
September 11th, 2009 at 11:23 am928-227-0777
A ha!
I am PROBABLY not the Messiah. PROBABLY.
Which means there is still a possibility, and all of the Heroic wardrobe choices I’ve picked up in the last week might still be appropriate…
September 11th, 2009 at 11:32 amWe are back and we’ve moved.
September 13th, 2009 at 10:52 amthis ‘spider web bot’ is a computer program that is designed to scam all internet traffic and pick up on key/tag words. for the most part, it originated as a government program to track certain individuals, but it seems that this program is now available to the public or was duplicated.
never the less, all internet information is now being monitored and labeled as ‘this’ or ‘that’. the freedom that people believe is available via the net comes at a hidden price, which may be coming due in the near future. i saw a small news clip about pres. oba trying to enact a governmental act that will freeze or take control of the internet siting “terrorist activity”. just great, one more step into actual big brother.
i just have to believe that there is too much information for this to actually be true, but with the invent of super computer, it may be a reality. god save us all.
on another note, mike, if you want to have a logo designed for your T-shirts, just let me know. i some ideas.
take care buddy.
September 13th, 2009 at 8:30 pmMy Dog is Cuter Than Your Messiah
September 14th, 2009 at 3:28 pmThus spake the prophet !
September 14th, 2009 at 6:33 pmThis same web bot is always predicting disasters, several in 2008 alone, that never materialized. Its track record is, very, very, very bad.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:57 pmI think those of us who’ve put you on our blog rolls/link lists for years deserve some recognition as prophets.
And maybe some ice cream.
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:31 pmIt’s obtuse, but some of us actually work in legitimate fields that sound a lot like (less murky versions of) the future dog-poet-predicting capacity of the internet. Or of any interconnected systems than can be mined for data.
I’m an epidemiologist, and have worked in syndromic surveillance in the past. It’s still nascent, but it’s a pretty good idea.
Let’s say anthrax or something is spread around somewhere in the U.S., but that the signs and symptoms required for a true diagnosis don’t start turning up until, let’s say, a week after being first exposed. Before anyone goes to the doctor, they’ll likely go buy some flu medicine, maybe some tissues and pedialyte, too. Probably a big uptick in web searches for “flu symptoms” or “cold remedies” or “why are my eyes and lungs on fire.” That sort of thing.
Plug in some time/location information to those purchases and web searches, and you’ve got a heads up that something’s coming that has symptoms X and Y and Z, so, holy shit, maybe start distributing antitoxin to hospitals out that way even before you get the results of the blood tests that you’ll start taking tomorrow, before the paralysis sets in that might clue people in as to what this is.
Stock market’s a different thing, but, hey, it ain’t all batshit crazies working on this stuff.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:23 pmWell I really enjoyed studying it. This information procured by you is very practical for correct planning.
December 6th, 2010 at 3:30 amGeorge Kavassilas is the dot poet/sirus linguest. You can stop your fretting.
See you in 5D.
August 27th, 2011 at 11:00 pmThank you Sammy, I’ve lost so many hours and nights fretting over this.
August 29th, 2011 at 4:28 pm