Bearbait recently returned from a trip to Honolulu, where on the last day he met a hunky cop who came up and introduced himself on the beach, and thus began a steamy little affair (I told him the nickname worked). Bearbait and I now exchange updates about our individual long-distance love monkeys. The cop called today while Bearbait was running errands in the car. My apologies to them for any creative license I take.
Cop: Hi, honey.
BB: Well, hello there.
Cop: What are you doing?
BB: Actually I’m driving, what are you doing?
Cop: I’m directing traffic.
BB: What?
Cop: I’m directing traffic. Hang on. (whistle)
BB: You’re directing traffic?
Cop: Yes, how is your day?
BB: Um, fine.
Cop: It’s 82 degrees and sunny here. Hey Buddy!
BB: Excuse me?
Cop: You think I’m standing here so you can drive over me? You gotta turn, buddy!
BB: Who are you talking to?
Cop: Sorry, dumb driver.
BB: That’s okay.
Cop: So what are you up to?
BB: Um, I’m turning left on Market.
Cop: (unintelligible static noises)
BB: What’s that?
Cop: That’s my radio. Sorry, the mouthpiece is on my shoulder. (whistle) I said STOP! STOP! That’s right, YOU!
BB: How many conversations are you holding right now?
Cop: Um, about three, I’d say. (radio garble)
BB: Did you get my package?
Cop: What?
BB: Did you get my package?
Cop: Oh, not yet. I got those pics you e-mailed me though.
BB: Yeah, what did you think?
Cop: Tell me about the dog, that’s a beautiful dog!
BB: Um
Cop: I didn’t know you had a dog.
BB: I don’t. That’s Louie, he belongs to my friend Michael, who took the picture.
Cop: I love dogs.
BB: Yeah, but did you like the picture of ME?
Cop: Sure I did. Hey, when we live together can we get a bunch of dogs? Like 12?
BB: Twelve?!? No, one.
Cop: Seven?
BB: One.
Cop: Four?
BB: One.
Cop: Two?
BB: Only if one of them fits inside a shoulder bag and doesn’t shed.
Cop: Okay, then. (radio garble, static, “10-4”) Well, I better let you go.
BB: Yeah, that’s probably the smart thing to do.
Cop: Have a good day, I’ll talk to you later? (whistle)
BB: Sounds good.
Cop: Move it, move it, move it!
BB: Yes, sir.
