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25 Minutes

-I’m wondering where you are fitting the HIV into your life, what does it mean to you?
-(long pause)…It don’t dwell on it much.
-(silence)
-It’s funny you should ask that, I was just thinking about it. The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who was positive, who got it when his boyfriend fucked around and brought it home…he’s angry about it, betrayed. Me, I’m not angry, I just know I got it from my own actions.
-(silence)
-Honestly, I worry more about the dental work I’m getting done than I do about the HIV.
-(silence)
-I guess…I guess I don’t want it to be a part of my identity…you know, how some people make it a big part of their lives, they construct their identity around being positive. I don’t want to do that.
-(silence)
-It seems like a waste of time, or energy, to think about it. I mean, I have it, that’s all behind me, you can’t go back.
-(pause) I’m wondering about the difference you made between you and your friend, you spoke of it as though you deserve it more than he does.
-(silence)
-Yeah, I know. I don’t know.
-(silence)
-(long pause, then a smile)
-What’s the smile for?
-I feel like you’re not saying anything because you think that I’m in some sort of denial, and you’re waiting for me to acknowledge it.
-(shakes head) No, I’m just listening.
-I mean, my numbers are really good, I guess if they weren’t, I’d think about it. And I’m not really having a lot of sex, so it doesn’t come up. (Maybe I’m not having sex because of all this crap)
-(silence)
-(sighs) I can’t seem to keep my mind on one thing.
-Yes, I’ve been trying to follow your train of thought and it seems uncertain.
-I have a headache.
-Did you have it when you came in, or did you just get it now?
-I had it when I came in, but it suddenly got a lot worse just now.
-(silence) If you could do anything with this session that you wanted, what would it be?
-Honestly, I’d just go home.
-(long pause) Well, I’m okay with ending early if you want.
-Yeah, I can’t think. I just need a good night’s sleep I think.
-Okay.
-(long pause) Okay then. (gets up) Thanks, I’ll see you next week.

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