Bearbait recently returned from a trip to Honolulu, where on the last day he met a hunky cop who came up and introduced himself on the beach, and thus began a steamy little affair (I told him the nickname worked). Bearbait and I now exchange updates about our individual long-distance love monkeys. The cop called today while Bearbait was running errands in the car. My apologies to them for any creative license I take.

Cop: Hi, honey.

BB: Well, hello there.

Cop: What are you doing?

BB: Actually I’m driving, what are you doing?

Cop: I’m directing traffic.

BB: What?

Cop: I’m directing traffic. Hang on. (whistle)

BB: You’re directing traffic?

Cop: Yes, how is your day?

BB: Um, fine.

Cop: It’s 82 degrees and sunny here. Hey Buddy!

BB: Excuse me?

Cop: You think I’m standing here so you can drive over me? You gotta turn, buddy!

BB: Who are you talking to?

Cop: Sorry, dumb driver.

BB: That’s okay.

Cop: So what are you up to?

BB: Um, I’m turning left on Market.

Cop: (unintelligible static noises)

BB: What’s that?

Cop: That’s my radio. Sorry, the mouthpiece is on my shoulder. (whistle) I said STOP! STOP! That’s right, YOU!

BB: How many conversations are you holding right now?

Cop: Um, about three, I’d say. (radio garble)

BB: Did you get my package?

Cop: What?

BB: Did you get my package?

Cop: Oh, not yet. I got those pics you e-mailed me though.

BB: Yeah, what did you think?

Cop: Tell me about the dog, that’s a beautiful dog!

BB: Um…

Cop: I didn’t know you had a dog.

BB: I don’t. That’s Louie, he belongs to my friend Michael, who took the picture.

Cop: I love dogs.

BB: Yeah, but did you like the picture of ME?

Cop: Sure I did. Hey, when we live together can we get a bunch of dogs? Like 12?

BB: Twelve?!? No, one.

Cop: Seven?

BB: One.

Cop: Four?

BB: One.

Cop: Two?

BB: Only if one of them fits inside a shoulder bag and doesn’t shed.

Cop: Okay, then. (radio garble, static, “10-4”) Well, I better let you go.

BB: Yeah, that’s probably the smart thing to do.

Cop: Have a good day, I’ll talk to you later? (whistle)

BB: Sounds good.

Cop: Move it, move it, move it!

BB: Yes, sir.

Cop: Bye!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *