-All right, let’s go through this one more time. You claim to have been “out dancing” on the evening of April 5th, 1971, but we have eyewitness accounts that place you in a hospital in Stillwater, OK, plainly being born.
-I have never set foot in Oklahoma, ever.
-Apparently you were carried. You left before you could walk.
-I did?
-Yes.
-I did. Wait, it’s all coming back now…
-Let’s see here (scanning notes)…various residences in Missouri, Wisconsin, and then finally Minnesota.
-Oh God it was cold.
-Your parents split up.
-I had nothing to do with it.
-Apparently they then both came out of the closet.
-I may have had something to do with that.
-Let’s see…one heterosexual younger brother…
-The Black Sheep.
-And some “step-brothers and sisters”, once your homosexual parents found new, previously-married lovers?
-They were such brats.
-You have resentments?
-They went to private school. Does that count?
-We’ll get to that later. So, good grades…
-Thank you.
-…possibly masking an inferiority complex and a crippling desire to please…
-Well, that’s presumptuous.
-…and a blossoming little booze and drug habit?
-I was 14. We were a little crazy.
-Drunk on wine coolers?
-It was the 80’s.
-You wrote…poetry.
-I was sensitive. Still am. Look, am I gonna get locked up or what? If I end up as someone’s bitch I’m gonna…
-Let’s see…graduated in the top…eleventh percentile of your class?
-Fucking Physics.
-Accepted with scholarship to a little school in Florida no one’s ever heard of?
-It wasn’t Minnesota. Look at my finger…that’s frostbite!
-Lots of personal drama ensued.
-Greatest time of your life, my ass.
-Majored in sociology.
-My third choice.
-Had your heart broken a couple of times, didn’t ya?
-How many damn blue index cards do you have there, anyway?
-Let’s see…undergraduate thesis, a return to Minneapolis…
-I’m a secret masochist. Is that in there?
-Poetry slam champion?
-It was the 90’s.
-Big fish in a little pond.
-Wait, was that a question?
-…hmm, fell in love again…
-Yes…I feel more…deeply than others.
-I won’t touch that one…moved together to San Francisco?
-With nothing but a dance belt and a tube of chapstick.
-Let’s see…rejection from acting school…
-Goddamn primadonnas.
-Leading to a crytal methamphetamine problem?
-I was a little tired.
-Your basic recovery story…
-It seemed to be the thing to do.
-The dissolution of your relationship…
-…
-…hmm, more writing and acting…
-Nothing pornographic. Well, maybe once...
-Which brings us to blogging.
-It does?
-There are several issues with your, er…application to blog.
-Nobody ever said I needed a license.
-New restrictions. Inappropriate linkage, navel-gazing, lawsuits; that kind of thing.
-Naturally. When can I expect an answer?