Ah yes, those young, free-spirited l(i)sbians*, naked and dancing. How I miss them so.

Well, however you reached the campfire, I hope you find something to enjoy, especially the l(i)sbian*-seekers from Saudi Arabia. I do it all for you.

Today marks the one-year anniversary of Diane Whipple’s death. The dog mauling case created quite the sensation last year as it dredged up all sorts of lurid stories involving sleazy, unlikable lawyers adopting a white supremacist prison inmate (named “Cornfed”) who helped them run a killer dog breeding operation, and with whom they supposedly were to create a bizarre sexual union. The case also made news when the victim’s lesbian (yes, that’s right, with an “e”) partner won a court ruling to allow same-sex couples to file wrongful death lawsuits. While one of the two dogs was put down immediately after the attack, Hera, the female, has been kept alive in a tiny kennel at the city shelter down the street from my office for the last year. My boss at the animal shelter became the de facto dog behavior expert, called in to evaluate Hera and share her findings with authorities. And while she found the dog to be threatening and unpredictable (and this is a woman who has worked with thousands of dogs), the dog has been kept alive by misguided “animal rights” activists, who are so loony they believe that our society (which we’ve created, remember?) has a big, free, happy place waiting for such animals. These are the same nutcases who sent my boss hate mail because she dared to suggest a dangerous animal be put down. The only humane thing to do with Hera is to put her down, and it should have been done a year ago. Maybe these animal rights activists can focus their efforts away from such catastrophes, and instead concentrate on helping teach people how to raise happy, well-adjusted, social dogs. Cuz God knows, we need the help.

I swear (yeah, I know I’m ranting), it’s the people that drive me absolutely nuts. I don’t know how my dog trainer co-workers do it everyday, patiently counselling potential adopters on how to socialize and integrate a dog into their home comfortably, when really all they intend to do is throw it in the backyard, alone, and call it a good life. And believe me, when it comes to dogs, everyone thinks they’re an expert. Especially if the last time they had a dog was when they were, like, five.

Dogs are highly social animals; their nature is to run in packs, and to deprive them of the company of their family, to be thrown in the backyard or garage alone, is plain and simple torture. And then you wonder why they have behavior problems?

And if you’re intending to get a dog for “protection”, have some extra cash for your new property insurance rates, and put your lawyer on speeddial, because you may just be the next in line for the great American pasttime: the lawsuit (see above).

And don’t get me started on the recent hyped-up theories regarding “alpha” dogs and hierarchy, and how to teach your dog that you’re the alpha in the family. Rolling a 125-lb Rottweiler on its back at a dog park surrounded by dogs (this really happened) is a pretty damn good way to get bit. And then, that’s usually when you decide you’ve done all you can, and you drop Fifi off with us. Let me tell you, I’ve seen it all.

Oh, I don’t know why I’m bothering you with all of this, you’re obviously not the kind of trash I’m talking about, and if you were, you probably ran screaming when you saw the word “l(i)sbian*” at the top. Then again, maybe not.

*no, I don’t particularly want to encourage more l(i)sbian-seekers here. We’re all out.

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