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Restoration of a Failed Vow

IMG_9831I’ve been slowly working on restoring my archives. At one of the nadirs of the brutal fog my site got hacked and gutted and I didn’t have the mental bandwidth to figure out backups or restoration.

I underestimated the challenge ahead of me. Never mind the tedious cutting and pasting from the Wayback Machine, the downloading and uploading of photos, the fixing of links.

That was cake compared to the posts themselves: I’m halfway-through my romance with the Fireplug. I restored the posts about our wedding, the photos, our vows.

I wrote our vows and the one that I always remember, the one I keep coming back to, is I will never give up on you.

I thought long and hard about those vows, and I thought long and hard about the one in particular. It’s not something I have a lot of practice with, in either direction. I had to ask myself if I really meant it, if I would never give up on him.

I did mean it, though in the coming years depression and PTSD proved too tenacious, and my marriage fell apart. But still I meant it.  I probably still do.

The loss of it has staggered me. I miss my home so much that I turn my thoughts in any other direction. I am lucky, though, that I have one thing left I will never give up on.



2 Replies to “Restoration of a Failed Vow”

  1. This post left me stunned. I looked back on my failed twenty year relationship and began to wonder if my ex really loved me. I think he was more in love with what we appeared to be. Two successful gay men with a house in the right neighborhood, expensive German cars, European vacations, good shoes and appearances at all of the LBGTQ fundraisers. None of that stuff makes you happy. It just makes you look happy. He’s gone and now remarried to man of his dreams according to Facebook posts. I’m still trying to recover. I don’t know if I ever will. I put up a good façade every day. I feel your pain.

  2. I think I read somewhere that a breakup is supposed to be one of the worst things to go through, in a list somewhere between losing a job and the death of a child. I still think a lot about my ex husband. It’s been three years. I meant my vows too. And yeah, my depression is part of why we’re not together anymore. In the end I don’t think we were very good for each other. So I can understand just a little bit about what you’re going through. But the break up gave me the impetus to get my depression (sometimes) under control. I really think it was for the best. I wish the same for you. Even better.

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